Bought some classics from barnes and nobles, i actually already read siddharta..
Even signed up for a membership in barnes and nobles, so i better keep up my reading

I was sitting in a full class surrounded by computers and peoples voices mixed to a loud buzz. I didn’t feel like i belonged, but then again i never do. I’m always that girl that looks uncomfortable but somehow i had wished that on my first days of college i would feel like i i was one of them.

That i would become a diligent, cool, proud student, when instead i felt like a shallow shell of myself; empty of any context and my facade that was clearly visible would fall apart of the slightest touch.

While i was trying out my emotions like trying out shallow ice with a stick my heart stopped when he walked in. Hes appearance oozed confidence, his relaxed yet stylish clothing made me doubt everything i wore. Why did i pick this dress couldn’t i pick a safe choice that i felt more confident about and why do i have the same cardigan as last time he saw me, oh why?

He looks out at the class and meets my eye staring at him, immediately and too obviously i turn my head around.

My mind keeps telling me I’m nothing compared to him and i look around at the other girls. Their all in perfect length and body measurements. Not with so abnormal length and with weird body shapes at me.

I feel like crawling in to a hole and hide from the sun. With my luck my bleached hair would stick out like a spider web and he would dig me up looking disgusting, dirty and worn out.

I saw him last time at the welcoming seminar, he walked in much like today shining from the rest, casually dressed but obviously a well thought outfit. I was out of boredness staring at the people walking in and measuring them to my perfect male requirements that i had been talking with my friend online the whole last night. At the moment he walked in i got dreadfully selfconscious of the bags under my eyes the talk had left and i tried my best to remember did i look at all decent the last time i looked in the mirror. He was perfect.

Obviously, i never talked to him and every time i saw him in the hallway we both looked away like we where busy to do something important, even if i at least was sure he was a new student like me.

Like a death shot to my fantasy that was already measuring him next to me i remembered my friends words: ‘you know karin, nothing perfect is never meant to be kept, there’s just no challenge in it. We get bored and i doubt a man would love to be worshiped, you need a man whos less perfect, someone you can help to fix.’

the thought that i couldn’t get something that was perfect made me want it even more. But every time i saw a man measuring up to the measurements i stood there dumbfounded not even trying to change.

I woke up from my thought to realize the teacher had already started talking and the girl next to me had already written a full page of notes. Shit, i was screwed, as always.

Or maybe my grandmother from my fathers time who moved away to sweden only to find herself working in denmark and marrying one of those local boys but still ended up running back home; gave me this adventurous mind.

Because where ever it came from it wont let me be. I’m stuck dreaming of everywhere im not the moment things calm down only at the eve of exploring a new sight can my mind calm down and concentrait on the present.

What a peaceful moment it will be when I’m finally content, but i do dare to hope it’s not anyday soon because i still got so much to explore.

I haven’t been so many times in the movies in the last half a year, i think the only other movie i have watched was Sherlock Holmes. So I was eager to go with a friend here in Los Angele’s to the movies and the only reason why i wanted to see war horse

was because Kate Middleton cried in it. Such a vain reason….

The movie was ok i guess, it’s one of those movies that you really don’t know what to think. Well the point about the movie is already fuzzy; A horse, oh yeah I’m not imagining worst case scenario disney film now am i?

But i gotta give credit before i say anything about the plot that they picked cute guys to love a horse… The plot was quite unoriginal and the name gave out a lot before anything actual happened and yes, many times it lacked action. When action

actually happened it was either weird humor or war. Boring war scenes, yet i loved the interaction. The whole movie looked like ‘I’m gonna be a big movie even if im never gonna actually.’. So I’m torn between a middle class movie and some lovely side characters…

I might ad that amc theater had a lot of power breaks, so it might have affected my movie experience as also some other loud watchers that where truly ruining it.

The morning i left Finland i had just snowed and it was -12 Celsius so it was quite a change when i stepped out on LAX airport.

I have been loving the weather tho, even if realizing how to dress so you don’t freeze in the mornings and die of sun in the days took a couple days.

First days where a hell of worries, school, housing and money. But i got school sorted and found a apartment that I’m moving in next month.

Til that I’m staying at family friends, it’s been wonderful. Driving to the beach in theevenin and visiting the neighbourhood areas on the day.

I even saw the south bay botanic garden, wonderful.

There’s so much to say, so much to write about that i don’t even know where to start.

Hopefully i’ll update with somethng more important next time

Best wishes from LA!

M

Im running out of time & money ..

Still no apartment I hate this…

Ive never cried as much as in la :/

Chasing a dream is never easy

Where to start when im breaking down

I never expected moving 9000 km away from home to be easy but…

As i predicted lack of sleep & long flight dont go good together with problems,
The worst part was not that i had no family around to share my troubles but that i didnt want to call and worry them…

But now i got some sleep and my mood is automatically better.
Oh and im totally in wrong time still, slept 5 pm to 3 am tonight

Maybe soon i get everything sorted out

Been packing for LA, the move is only a day away…
I still dont have a home
And a lot of paperwork to be done.

Everyone is wanting one or two last meetings now, its fun but i was asking for those weeks ago and back then a few of them ignored me.
So im in mixed feelings.. ..well about everything

I hate stressing

Next year will be a challenge for me, Moving 9000 Kilometers from my family but still I’m selfish and wish that they wouldn’t forget me.

But that’s my own responisibilty too to keep n touch.

But with Good New Years wishes i end this Post !

Someone might have noticed my blog was private for awhile, you might say i was having a internet identity crisis.
I realized that what i thought some years ago was okay to publish on internet was now embarrassing me.

I try to be real and outspoken, but somehow it hit me what if my job colleges found all the stupid sites i have registered to for fun, what if they read something embarrassing i had written on my blogs years ago.

I still kept my school/moving blog open: FinGirl , I had a feeling it was the only place where i hadn’t written anything unofficial and embarrassing other than spelling mistakes.

But after this whole episode of deleting and hiding, i realized that how much i ever try to sensor myself the only thing I’m doing is getting rid of myself. Because all these thoughts and pictures are a part of me and if the person reading them is not enough of a person to judge them fairly by age and association they might not be someone i wan’t to keep in my life.

i don’t mean i should go and post nude pics(never have and probably never will!!) and wonder why i can’t work at a church or kindergarden, there should always be a sensor. But there should also be understanding and common sense. We are all living our own life. We all make mistakes, we should only judge ourself, not others.

This blog is only a small insight to my life, It’s a tiny window where i only post those parts that i feel like sharing and leave out a lot.

But i did make the choice today to reopen this blog! for a similar reason why i originally started it; I’m moving away from my family and i wanna keep in touch with them throe this blog. & also i need a place where i can speak out some thought.

Best wishes & happy new year
MSTATIC