Maybe the heart never forgets?

I have been wondering if it’s possible to be hurt and still healing from a heart break years without realizing it, i mean if it’s something that hurt and really took on your self esteem back then.

But back then you just tried to ignore it and just tried to move on. You thought you werent affected and only rememberd it when someone else tried to swoon you or hurt you.

You stay awake in the night blaming yourself of it all, rain reminds you of the tears you shed and it feels like your stupid when you can’t get over that one thought.

Only now years later you realize it might have affected all your choices and thoughts up until this day. Maybe the first step of healing would be to actually realize it?

We all hate each other anyway

I was just thinking 5 minutes ago that i should start beeing a better friend, then i stumbled in to some things tha got my annoyans ticking. I’m really not good at this long term friendships, theres so many stupid rules.  You might say you dont say any rules, but thats the point all the rules are silent agreements. Just something you should instinktivly follow.   

Friendship, far from comfort,are often long years of resentment, with brief breaks for dancing

- Eva Wiseman for Elle UK

Yet there are days when you just can’t live withouth friend, becouse you need someone to share your joy and sadness. But Humans are bitter ones succes is the other ones loss and even if it didn’t affect us in any way we are still jealous creatures. Were stuck on this stupid ride down hill and we never really get up again.

It takes a lot of friendships to survive, I’m not talking about a couple yearfs old friendships becouse honestly they can break in a minute of time and usually they’re already poisoned from the inside. were just so blody scared of beein lonely. I envy friendships that last decades, becouse they’ve found a perfect pace to walk on.

We might love our friends but honestly i think we all hate them, because somewhere a long the line will come a second when you wish you guys never became friends.

My thought about the situation

seasonal affective depression

It’s well known that nordic countries have more seasonal affective depression, having a dark cold winter really ain’t always the most pleasent thing.
If the constant darkness doesn’t get to us, try living half a year in -10 ºC  (14 ºF).
And before this winter torture even starts we have the wet, rainy, windy and cold fall.
The only thing that gives us even a tiny bit strength is the first flowers in the spring before it starts getting wet again and the 2 months of summer that are somewhat warm.

You might love the snow but really sometimes it’s just too much, if you have a own yard it’s even worse.
1-6 times a day you gotta plow the driveway when it starts snowing and there isn’t really any reward other then you actually might get your car moving.

Sounding like I’m fed up on Finland?
after 20 years of this pain, I can say from my hearth; I don’t know if i can take another year here.

Maybe It wouldn’t feel as bad if I didn’t make my first real trip abroad to California; Feel the sun and warmth and then come back to snowstorms again.
I’m a true Finn and i love this country but I really need a break before I become one of the typical drinking poor finns that tell how they could have been something if they wouldn’t have been tis depressed.

Just at the moment really sick of getting a cold every week….

Why?

Why is hating so much easier then loving?

Spurr of the moment words

You spread your wing, like you own this place.

You give me look of ownership.

I obey your wishes just so I can betray you at the last moment.

I don’t like you and neither do you like me.

You are just becoming a stranger

I don’t enjoy that time anymore, those moments i treasured are shadowed.

Your sword cut me so deep that even if it healed it stings every time i see you.

Answering only the questions that please you, only doing actions that help you.

Becoming something entirely different, one of a kind moster.

I got so many bones to pick with you; That i don’t even know where to throw the first stone.

Making promises that you’ll surely break.

You forget that we will forget you by  the time you wish to come here.

You are becoming a stranger.

Diary: Hes the thorn and I’m the pain?

Go to hell ’61tc#’. thats right, hell is where you belong.
Great got that one out of my system.. back to something i actually care about

Had a couple of nice days in my hometown and was today shopping(didin’t buy anything tho)
Watched a lot of Supernatural with Mary, both have been  running out of food. lol.
I really should go and buy some food.

Oh, Somebodys acting like his worst enemy. Becoming a thorn stuck on me…
i wont call him anymore, I’m done with it for good. I’m just giving clues to him. For that matter when i see him, i’ll be nice, i’ll act normal. But away I wont care a S#1t. 

Going to the hairdresser tomorrow/today and work.
Saturday is gonna be fun, lot’s of friends to see, Yey!
I’m so gonna be one of them that goes to the baar!!!

xoxo
mstatic

The long bitter shadow of hate

You know the feeling betrayed, you feel like you have been stabbed and left bleeding dry all alone. Well that happened… But sadly i know i will forget and forgive faster than i want.

Faster then it’s good for me.

Tomorrow allready I might talking to you like it’s a normal day.

But for today; I’ll be mad, i’ll be furious. I’ll dissolve you from your place in my heart.

I’m scared of casting the long shadow of hate, but it’s darkness that fills me up at this time.

It’s my annoyance growing til’ anger is not enough and sadness can’t pick it up.

Even if i didn’t wanna hate you, I will just for today.

[Diary] It’s a burden already keeping it all inside.

It’s a burden already keeping it all inside.

She doesn’t know the facts?
she hates me for being unsocial.

She tells me I’m a idiot for not wanting to move.
She thinks I’m lazy and don’t like my friends.

Whats anyway up with these late questions?
when you could have asked me with u in the beginning.

It doesn’t help that u say hes coming.
It actually even more makes me wanna stay away.

The other one killed it, i got to know who he likes.
I hated him and the others.

You don’t know how i felt?
She doesn’t know how low i have been feeling.

All the things i did to try and be special.
I wanted to be.

I wasn’t good enough for him?
I wasn’t enough pretty?
I was too easy?  I was too difficult?
She was so much more.

She calls me shit for not wanting to go and meet them all with her.
I don’t know if i can.
It’s a burden already keeping it all inside.